In her YouTube video, Lesbians Explain: Sex With Men, vlogger Arielle Scarcella talks to women who define themselves as lesbians even though they sleep with men.
The reasons varied from having a “real weak strap-on game,” to compartmentalizing sex from feelings.
Scarcella, author of The End of Gay, Bert Archer, a certified sex and relationship therapist, Joe Kort, and a self-proclaimed lesbian that sleeps with men, Mia Fermindoza met via Skype with the Huffington Post to discuss sexuality.
Scarcella, a lesbian that has never slept with a man, discussed the various definition of the “L” word.
“As a lesbian, I don’t think I’d ever sleep with a man and enjoy it,” Scarcella said. “But that’s my definition of the word. The reason I identify as a lesbian is because I don’t want to sleep with a man.”
However, Scarcella said that many people define the word by romantic orientation, not sexual orientation. College student Mia Fermindoza said she would only be romantically involved with a woman, which is why she calls herself a lesbian, though she sleeps with men, too.
Both Scarcella and author Bert Archer agreed that it’s obvious definitions aren’t all that useful and people don’t adhere to the labels as simply as we would like.
Certified sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort added that men seem to get more judgment for sleeping with the same sex than women do. If a man sleeps with a man one time and hundreds of women after that, society will still likely label him as gay. Archer agreed, saying that there is almost a purity test for straightness.
Scarcella agreed that people seem to take sex with men more serious. For example, she said if a straight women sleeps with a woman, the lesbian community will probably still label her as straight.
When asked if Fermindoza could ever see herself falling in love with a man, she said it is impossible.
“I’m 21, so who actually knows,” Fermindoza said. “But with men there has always been a void and something missing.”
The group also touched on porn, and why many lesbians prefer gay male porn to lesbian porn.
“Lesbian porn is made for straight men,” Scarcella said. “Or, straight women actually.”
Perhaps it’s just that homosexuals are more attracted to homosexuality in general, Scarcella said.
Archer brought up a study he did that proved human will can change out physical attractions.
“It we want to, our physical attractions can be manipulated,” he said. “If you’re open to it and there and naked with someone else [not in the right age group, race, sex, etc.], stuff happens.”
In the end, it became clear that labels are just too vague and frankly, not all that helpful.
“I think leaving yourself open to any possibility is the best thing you can do,” Scarcella said.